When my well ran dry (Written October 2021)

CONTENT WARNING: Trauma, Death, Grief

So yesterday I had a patient who was an 80-year-old man unfortunately involved in a very tragic motor vehicle crash the night before. His wife was driving and was found dead on the scene. The patient told me that usually he drives but he was quite tired so his wife decided to drive last night. They think an 18 wheeler crossed over to the other side and hit them head-on into the driver’s side. Absolutely devastating!

He had multiple injuries, as you can imagine, so Physical & Occupational Therapy services were ordered. I went to evaluate the patient and help him out of bed to the bathroom. After he sat down on the toilet I told him I’d be just on the other side of the door “and if you need anything, just holler. Again my name is Sondra.” And suddenly he put his head into his hands and started softly crying and quietly through his tears he muttered, “that’s my wife’s name.”

My jaw dropped and my heart sank all the way into the cold bathroom tile floor.

As it turned out his wife’s name was Sandra but he called her Sandy. And upon hearing my name for the first time he just lost it. I felt so awful and came out of the bathroom and told the patients grown daughter what happened. I apologize to her for making her father cry when I told him my name. She looked at my badge and saw my name, then grabbed my arm and gasped! She said, “Please don’t feel bad - I think it’s a Godwink that you’re here - and that the very person taking care of him after losing the love of his life has the same name as her (or almost the same name).”

(At this point I was starting to wonder if what was happening was even real….)

After he finished going to the bathroom I assisted him to the sink and asked if he wanted to brush his teeth and wash his hands. Initially he said yes but then when he got to the sink he showed me the palm of his right hand that had dried blood on it. Then with tears welling in his eyes, he told me, “That’s my wife’s blood - I was holding her hand when this happened.” I wasn’t sure what to say to that but I could tell he wasn’t ready to wash his hands. So I told him, “You know what - that’s okay you don’t have to wash your hands right now.”

After he finished cleaning up in the ways he felt he could, I assisted him to a recliner chair and helped him get settled. I let him know that if he wanted to take a shower at any point during the day I would be there to help him.

Later in the day after the physical therapist saw him the patient’s daughter came to find me and said that she thought it would be a good idea for her dad to get in the shower. So I went back to his room to see him again for a second session. I helped him in the shower made sure he was safe and let him do his thing. After he was done I brought him towels and a clean hospital gown. After he dried off, he put the gown on and started crying while sitting on the shower chair.

I could tell that he just was just gutted. I knew there was nothing I could say to make him feel better so I asked him if he needed a hug. He nodded as if to say yes so I gave him a hug in the shower and he put his head on my shoulder like a little kid while he cried. And for the first time in many many months - I felt true deep compassion (because hello Burnout + Pandemic Compassion Fatigue). In some ways maybe I needed that hug from him as much as he needed that hug from me.

He got out of the shower and I helped him to the recliner chair where he then got dressed in some new clothes that his daughter bought for him. In between putting on items of clothing he talked about his wife to me. I asked him how they met and he said through a friend that just knew they would really like each other. They have been married for 16 years and it sounds like this was his second, possibly third, wife. But needless to say this was his person and the love of his life.

When he talked about her he had a sparkle in his eye and I could just tell how much he adored her. He shared that they made each other laugh all the time to the point of their faces hurting from smiling so much and their bellies aching from laughing so hard. One of the sweetest things he shared with me was that sometimes if they were both awake in the middle of the night, they would eat ice cream and watch television at 2 AM. I reminded him how lucky we are to have found our person and that our love for them doesn’t die with their passing.

He seemed to really respond well to me grounding him in the present moment. And I used mantras like “keep your head where your feet are“ and “I am safe/okay in this moment - right now“. I printed these mantras and taped them up in his room on the wall. I heard his daughters talking about what an amazing thing that was and how much it helped him. His daughter Dana gave me a hug before she left to take the deceased wife’s dog home. The patient told me the dogs name is Katie because she was a rescue dog from Katy Texas. I told him I’m from Dallas and that my siblings still live in Texas - my little sister living in Houston and working as a surgery resident. His eyes lit up when he heard we had that Texas connection, too.

The synchronicity throughout this whole experience made me feel that the entire thing was otherworldly. I felt the hand of the Divine at work. I’m not sure what this all means but I know that that was not a coincidence. And I feel I was meant to be there yesterday and meet this man in his time of need.

And he in mine.